Soft confidence and saying “No”
A challenge parents sometimes face is the ability to say “no” in a way that it would not create a tension and a fight. “No” is a funny word. In truth, it doesn’t contain the tension, but as it is 99% of the time being used together with tensing one’s body, it may seem as “no” and “tension” have melted together. We say “no” with tension because our parents said “no” with tension and so forth and so forth.
Yes, you may have realised already. The tension doesn’t start with the child and his response to “no”. It starts with the person saying “no” from the place of unawareness; meaning that when the parent says “no” and is not aware of her body (specially the abdominal muscles and shoulders) at the same time, she is transferring the tension unto the child.
Children are sponges, they suck everything in. And response accordingly. And in addition to that they too have body memory and their own choices. Meaning that even soft confidence “no” can bring up some resistance in the child. So… how to deal with it all then? As it’s difficult to stop a train already in full-power, we shall start from the beginning.
If you can, align your energy to higher frequency as often as you possibly can. Listen to uplifting music, healing music or silence… Do yoga (i do 10minute yoga sets together with my 2month old and my 3-year old..not every day, but often). Dance a bit. MOVE your body. Be AWARE of your body. Meditate (five minutes CAN be found...in the car (yes, eyes open), showering..before the kids are awake…but if you struggle with that, then minute is also sufficient). This is not to “save you from something”, but to prepare your nervous system for allowing more and more energy to flow through your body freely and so it will be come easier and easier to be AWARE and in the state of SOFT CONFIDENCE.
So what is this soft confidence? It’s saying “no” with soft abdominal muscles, breathing freely, relaxing. It’s saying “no” with a soft smile. It’s standing your ground even when you face a tantrum….standing your ground with soft abdominal muscles, relaxation and breathing freely. So the energy can flow. Nobody can fight long when no one is fighting back. The key to unlock any tension (read: child in tantrum) is to surround it with relaxation (and you can be the relaxed atmosphere for your child). When you stay in this soft confidence, in your total SOFT empowerment, you will know what to do, what to say..you are flexible yet steady..just like a tree. Deeply rooted, but branches waving in the wind.
In fact, just find some time to observe a tree for some time (with soft abdominal muscles and breathing freely). The tree will teach you everything about soft confidence.
And then you can add this quality of soft confidence to everything you are and everything you do.
IIDALA aka Iida-Leena Materasu is a professional therapist, writer, author, spiritual guide, mother, woman and human. She facilitates breathwork and self-development groups, offers courses, subscription programs and silent nature hikes as well as receives private clients live and via zoom all over Europe. For a Talk&Heal session or other therapy sessions like breathwork or cranio, courses or programs, feel free to explore the website or contact directly.
www.iidala.com